Tired of being Tired...

It's a touchy subject in our home, one we never wish to discuss because it is the source of our depression. A taboo topic, yet one that must be spoken of in order to change anything. We did so recently, now we require the motivation to follow through.

We are both frustrated with the way things are going. Both stuck in a job we're trying to climb out of. Both pining over our future lives once the adoption process concludes. Both feeling empty and dissapointed with our current selves. I'm tired of just sitting here and saying that we will change. I'm tired of not being comfortable with myself. I'm tired of being tired.

So we started last night. We will start eating right, exercising every night, cut back on eating out, and stop eating junk food. My fear is that it won't last, but my strategy this time is to constantly remind myself of my own goal, Our Goal.

Our goal isn't just to loose weight to get pregnant. It's one of the goals, true, but right now I feel we were meant for something more. I think adoption is what we were meant to do, which is why circumstances has prevented us from conceiving naturally. So as it is a part of our Goal, a major part, it's not the only thing I'm looking for. I just want to be more comfortable with my body, have more energy and be healthier for the child we want to bring into our lives. I want to loose weight to be a better Father.

I'm scared to death of being a parent, but also excited. I'm only worried that I won't know what to do, or have a hard time adjusting to life with a child. I know that it takes time to be a parent and no one is instantly a good one. Adoption is also good because it gives us time to prepare. I have time to learn what I can, loose the weight, and I know that in the end, the wait will be worth it. It is still a little disconcerting at the amount of time we have until this process completes. It's so far away that I fear we will lose motivation in reaching our goal because of it. I keep thinking that if only I made more money, or if we won the lottery, we could afford a private adoption and have a child sooner. I'm so sick of waiting it feels like a constant weight on my shoulders. So many things add to it and causes unneeded stress. My vision of a perfect life is probably something most people would take for granted. Those you do have no idea how lucky you are. I picture coming home to a wife and kids from work, no matter if there's a white picket fence or even our own house. Spending time with our child, playing with them, teaching them new things, taking them swimming or to the park. These are the things I wish for. This is my goal. I want the home I come home to to be full of love and life.