Waiting for You

I haven't updated this thing in like forever, yet not much has changed. My job has changed, the people around me live their lives, yet I keep going doing what I'm used to.

We are still waiting on a child. The wait is stressful and seemingly never ending. I see progress because I've been employed over a year like the adoption agency wants, and we now wait on a social worker to pick up our file again. We're lucky we don't have to wait another year I suppose. It's hard to wait, sitting by while our friends move on with their lives, having babies of their own, buying houses and getting married. It's like we're stuck in life and it's only at the whims of social workers that our lives continue. And they know not of the power they hold over us. For them, it's just business as usual.

Everything lately is a waiting game. We need to wait to save up enough to start looking at houses, wait for better wages at work, wait for updates on various things. I feel like I've spent the last six years just waiting to live.

In the meantime, babies are a regular topic of conversation, when we do talk. We've had so much time to talk about what we want for our lives, decisions made have changed several times, sometimes for no reason. A name is a good example. We've decided on names for babies for when we finally do adopt, but we've been waiting so long that some of our friends have had babies and used the name. Now we are stuck with either using the name we love, knowing our friends child has the same name, or change it to something else, knowing we would give up the name we loved. Personally, I'm horrible for coming up with names. I play a lot of MMORPG's and Role play enough that thinking of names for characters and whatnot should be second nature, but thinking of a good name for another Human being and having them actually live with that name is a different matter entirely. And it has to be a name both of us like, can't be a name anyone either of us knows already has, can't be a name that reminds us of something we don't like, has to sound pleasing to the ear, can't be the name of a product ever produced, can't be generic like John, or Jane, and......you know how hard it is. It has to be Perfect. Couples who naturally give birth are given nine months to come up with something. Most have a few in mind when their babies are born and only by looking at their child for the first time are able to see which of the few they have would fit the best and they finalize their choice. It's not so easy when you adopt. You have no idea what your child would look like, you have years to think (and way over-think) of a name, and you have to consider that the birth mother would probably want some input in naming the child. There are so many more factors involved and so much time that I find it daunting to think of a list of names right now. Mostly for the simple fact that I could come up with a list right now, and not be matched for three years, look back at my list and wonder what I've been smoking so long ago. I'm not going to say any names I've thought of or ones my wife has disapproved, since there are no bad names and there's nothing wrong with the one you have, but the choice comes to would it be a good choice for a baby nowadays? Would it suit the child. Does the baby look like a _______? This is the struggle we have while waiting.

Not just names, but other things plague our thoughts while in adoption limbo. How to decorate the babies room? What kind of car seat? What kind of high chair? Then the more dominant questions like What age are we looking for? How long are we willing to wait? We want a child as young as possible so we don't miss anything in their lives. We think this is important because we are first time parents, but would increasing our age range mean being placed sooner? Are we willing to wait longer for a younger child? We have told them we would like a child under a year old, but we seem to be a little uncertain as time goes on.

I suppose we just wait for the home study for now. One step at a time.

Little Things

Haven't posted in ever. I even had this blog deleted for weeks. Then decided to undelete and try it again. Not really sure why, but it was a little thing that made me think about it and want to post. I listen to the radio this morning and the roads are bad, accidents all over the place. They say to expect major delays and to take extra time getting to work.

You know, normal stuff for Canada when we get a sprinkle of snow. You think people living here wouldn't freak out like an Elephant before a mouse in cartoons when they see the small frozen flakes fall from the sky. They aren't that distracting. I don't see why they can't keep their eyes on the road and realize that stuff makes the roads slippery so don't go your usual hundred kph to work.

Anyway, fearing to be late to work, I head out at my usual time and assume the radio is either exaggerating the conditions or they haven't been updated on the current conditions because the roads are near empty.....until I get to the ramp to the main highway.

Traffic slows to a crawl and we putter along, the worry stinging in the back of my mind. Here's where the little thing happens that brightens my day. A car on the right signals to merge, I be nice and slow down to let them in front of me. As she merges, I see her window roll down a crack in this minus 20 weather, and a few fingers emerge to wave a thanks in my direction. Most people wouldn't bother and for damn sure not in this cold. We're all trying to get to work and whether or not my gesture of letting her in made a difference in time getting to work, it at least means people are still sociable even early in the morning.

Tired of being Tired...

It's a touchy subject in our home, one we never wish to discuss because it is the source of our depression. A taboo topic, yet one that must be spoken of in order to change anything. We did so recently, now we require the motivation to follow through.

We are both frustrated with the way things are going. Both stuck in a job we're trying to climb out of. Both pining over our future lives once the adoption process concludes. Both feeling empty and dissapointed with our current selves. I'm tired of just sitting here and saying that we will change. I'm tired of not being comfortable with myself. I'm tired of being tired.

So we started last night. We will start eating right, exercising every night, cut back on eating out, and stop eating junk food. My fear is that it won't last, but my strategy this time is to constantly remind myself of my own goal, Our Goal.

Our goal isn't just to loose weight to get pregnant. It's one of the goals, true, but right now I feel we were meant for something more. I think adoption is what we were meant to do, which is why circumstances has prevented us from conceiving naturally. So as it is a part of our Goal, a major part, it's not the only thing I'm looking for. I just want to be more comfortable with my body, have more energy and be healthier for the child we want to bring into our lives. I want to loose weight to be a better Father.

I'm scared to death of being a parent, but also excited. I'm only worried that I won't know what to do, or have a hard time adjusting to life with a child. I know that it takes time to be a parent and no one is instantly a good one. Adoption is also good because it gives us time to prepare. I have time to learn what I can, loose the weight, and I know that in the end, the wait will be worth it. It is still a little disconcerting at the amount of time we have until this process completes. It's so far away that I fear we will lose motivation in reaching our goal because of it. I keep thinking that if only I made more money, or if we won the lottery, we could afford a private adoption and have a child sooner. I'm so sick of waiting it feels like a constant weight on my shoulders. So many things add to it and causes unneeded stress. My vision of a perfect life is probably something most people would take for granted. Those you do have no idea how lucky you are. I picture coming home to a wife and kids from work, no matter if there's a white picket fence or even our own house. Spending time with our child, playing with them, teaching them new things, taking them swimming or to the park. These are the things I wish for. This is my goal. I want the home I come home to to be full of love and life.

The cost of really living...

I remember in high school I wrote a speech for a contest or something and I thought it was kind of witty at the time. "Nothing In Life is Free" was a work I was proud of. Yet, as I went on about how even seemingly free things in the end has a cost to someone somewhere, my naivety made me blissfully unaware of the burden of adult life. A life that desperately searches for every and any freebie to lessen the tension on your precious dollars. I had no idea that paper could stretch as much as it does in the hands of my Fiancée.

I curse the time that I open the mailbox and get showered with coupons and super saver booklets. I'm the kind of person who would pay whatever the cashier asked after ringing in my things. I find it kind of pointless to clip coupons and spend the extra time at the checkout to only save a dollar or two. But with the price of gas going up so high, one has to really save where they can. One episode of Extreme Couponing can really open your eyes to how effective a bit of junk mail can be.Granted this isn't the United States so coupons do not work the same up here, yet its still effective to use them.

My heart sank when I heard the price of gas in Toronto was near a buck forty. What is the reason for this? All I heard that the issues in Libya are affecting the gas prices, but this country only supplies like 2% of the world's oil supply and 90% of that is going to European countries. The global price of oil isn't rising either from what I can see so the price hike is coming from the refining process or perhaps the government. I really hope these gas shenanigans are over soon. I have a long drive ahead of me in the near future.

This July, my Fiancée and I are getting married, but we're having it close to family in Newfoundland, so it's a long drive. Not sure how the price of gas is going to affect our finances during the drive and we're starting to stress out about money. July will be here before we want it to and be completely ready for this. I'm looking forward to it, don't get me wrong, but I'm dreading the drive. I've never driven that far for that long before. Plus, we're planning the trip with my sister and our two cats in the car as well. I'm not sure how this will work out in the end, but it will either end in disaster and pain, or a side splitting laugh. I'm hoping for the latter.

In the meantime, we are pretty much forced to sit at home and do nothing, as everything costs money to do. Like I wrote before, nothing in life is free. With all this nice weather outside, one would think they should take advantage of it. I plan on going for walks and stuff, maybe loosing some weight, but we'll see how that goes. If work wasn't so far away I'd walk there too. I mean honestly, who puts an office building out in the middle of a corn field?